Tuesday, March 29, 2011

This...Was Moi' This Morning

I'm in the middle of a sex dream involving Alec Baldwin, Rush Limbaugh and Jimmy Kimmel (don't ask) and just as it's getting to the good part...my bliss is broken by a scream in the distance,

"GEEEEOOOOOFFFFFF! There's a bird in the stove!"

I woke with a start, not quite sure of where I was.  But it all came flooding back.....I'm spending a week at moms, and thanks to the wind storm last night I now had a job to do.

My parents house came with a beautiful old wood stove, that they never use.   They tried it once but the house filled up with smoke, and since that day it's been 'decorative'.  It's also been a Holiday Inn for any bird caught in a wind storm. 

I removed one of the top panels and quickly put a trash bag over the opening.   In the past the birds would fly up into the bag and I'd have them out the door in a flash.   No such luck this morning.   Peering under the bag I found not one, but two birds staring back at me.   They both appeared to be worn out from their stay, so I replaced the top panel and opened the side door just a bit, intending to reach inside and grab them. 
Big mistake.
As I opened the door wider, they bum-rushed me and escaped into the house.   I diverted one out the front door, but the other decided to say hello to mom.   

I don't know if you've ever heard a chubby, grey-haired 79 year old woman in bed, scream as she's being dive bombed by a scared black bird....but the sound sticks with you.

The poor thing was all over the place, crashing into her bedroom window, landing on her television....then it spied her open closet.   Once inside the maze of her walk-in, all hell broke loose.  Mom freaks out... the bird goes on a rampage and all six foot chubby me is climbing over and around both of them in an attempt to shoe the damn thing out.  

Did I mention the screaming?  Mom screamed, I screamed,  the bird screamed..... it's a wonder my mom's neighbors didn't call the police. I wondered about that and how I would explain all the commotion if they did come.

Finally I parted some curtains and opened a window.  When it spied the freedom of the outdoors it made it's escape. 

THAT was MY morning.  How was yours????


Kevin said...

I'm sorry...you lost me at Rush Limbaugh.

LOL! I hate birds.

Geoff said...

Jimmy & I were ridiculing Rush as we made Alec our bitch. Evidently I ate something weird last night. lol

Adventures In Gay Dating said...

LOL...OMG, Geoff. I had a similar thing happen as well. I was home visited my folks from DC when I woke up to my mom screaming in the bathroom. You'll never guess in a million years. There was a live bat in the hamper ! Gross, right ? I sure as hell wasn't going to stick my hand in after it, so I just picked the whole thing up and flung it out the side door, dumping all the clothes and the bat (hopefully) out. Till this day we can't figure out how a bat got in the hamper.

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