Monday, March 15, 2010

What If........

What if no one ever came out?


What would your life be like? Where would you be? What would you be doing?

If no one ever came out but instead stayed inside, remained hidden away. Who would you be today?

I, for one, would be a vastly different person.

I imagine I would have joined (and stayed in), the service. Perhaps the Army, more likely the Air Force given my father had served in the latter.

I have to squint though, tilt my head and scratch my chin to imagine any further.

I….think…….I would have found a woman to marry, and done my best to perform…..but I ….believe……I would have turned to alcohol out of frustration and emptiness self-pity and anger. That’s my best guess at least.
I doubt I ever would have written poetry, danced in the imagined privacy of my living room, stolen my first kiss with a high school classmate, received my first blowjob on the first yard line of my high schools football field at one a.m. on a Saturday morning.
I doubt I ever would have spread my wings from my home town, fallen in love 163 and ½ times. Made love outside watching the city lights glow in the approaching summer night.

I never would have met my partner through a chance moment that could only have occurred after a billion perfectly timed events began at my birth.

I have serious misgivings I ever would have kissed and made love in the rain to the most beautiful young man I ever laid eyes on………I wouldn’t have written my stories and dreams, they would have remained locked inside my heart unknown and unread. I wouldn’t have sang the songs I’ve sung at all, let alone with the passion and emotion that refused to be bottled up inside my soul. Passion borne out of lust and love and sex and hope and joy.

I wouldn’t have drawn, or painted the endless doodles, sketches and serious attempts at art that my hands produced throughout my years. I wouldn’t have formed the precious friendships that molded and inspired my life along the way……..

I would have been a vastly different person if no one had ever come out….shown bravery ….and pride….and love.

Thank God they did.

6 comments:

A Lewis said...

Wow....a great question. I'd still be married, I guess. And very unhappy. I think my mind would have gone totally crazy and nuts. I'm not sure. I can see huge issues with anger and irritability.

maurice said...

I would be dead. No question about it.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Nice post. Be out and proud.

Blake said...

I cant even think of what that would be like. It blows my mind.

Kyle said...

I would imagine a second suicide attempt would have been successful, where the first had failed. I couldn't live that way. Everything else from my current life would never happen; a sad thought indeed.

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